Thursday, November 23, 2006


It is certainly true that in many countries, modern culture
emphasises the individual person, and not the group or
family. There is often pressure to be 'self-contained'.
Many more young people live alone, often away from family
or friends because of work or college. The pressures of life
may not leave enough time to make good relationships.

Modern culture, in TV, films and books, tells us that the

only meaningful relationship is a sexual or romantic one.
It isn't true, but we believe it.

If we do not have such a relationship, we feel a failure. Or

we try to find meaning in these relationships, but often fail.
And if these relationships are private and closed, leaving no
room for other friendships, then when they end, we have no
'real', 'ordinary' friends to turn to.

"Loneliness is universal. I get a lot of patients, especially

those who haven't married, who have a strong feeling of not
being part of 'family', of not having connected. They feel
unfulfilled, that they don't belong, and are not caught up in
what is thought 'normal'."-- Dr.Chris Andrew.

Surprisingly, it is not only the quiet, shy, people, who may

feel loneliness. It can also be the sort of person who is the
'life and soul of the party' - always joking, laughing, apparently
out-going, yet afraid to really connect with others - holding
other people away at arm's length. They may seem to have
lots of friends, but inside they are hurting. These people have
often been damaged as children by sexual or emotional abuse.

Here are some ideas to think about:

Remember, you are not the only one to feel this way - perhaps
25% of the people around you feel the same. So make the first

Do you have an interest or hobby? Find a group or society
with this interest and join it.

Don't look for the answer to loneliness in a sexual relationship.

Many people, especially girls, move from one quick sexual

relationship to another, desperate to find closeness and
meaning. The sort of people they find usually only want
the sex part of the relationship, and do not offer more in

Even in a stable long-term relationship or marriage,
you should still not expect your partner to meet all of
your emotional needs. They should certainly meet many
of your needs, because your partner should be your best
friend. But you should also have a network of good
relationships with other friends, giving and taking help
and support.

It can be easy to live out our lives through the imaginary
relationships in films, TV, books, or even arm-length
relationships on the Internet. These aren't real! TV and
film characters do not act and talk like real people! It is
an imaginary world, very different from the real one. Live
in the real world!

To be wanted and needed, is a big answer to loneliness.
Is there any way you can help other people? Can you
volunteer to do something? Hospital visiting, visiting old
people, assist an advice centre, an inner city help program
- the list is endless. Or just learn to be a listening person
who can understand how other people feel, and help them.
In helping other people, we find friends and lose loneliness!

Don't wait for someone to phone (or write/email) you -

you contact them. And if they seem too busy, it doesn't mean
they are rejecting you. Try another time!

Don't drink too much - it may take away feelings of
loneliness for a few hours, but does not answer the real
problem. You may feel separated from other people
because of wrong things that others have done or said
to you, or things that you have done or said to others.
These things build a wall between us. Look for a way to
become friends again. Don't be too proud to say sorry,
even if you feel it was mostly the other person's fault!

if you have been hurt as a child through sexual or

emotional abuse, or difficult relationships with parents,
don't bury those feelings. It is possible to find victory over
these hurts.

We were created to be social humans. We need people.
"It is not good for man to be alone" is a key statement from
one of the earliest surviving historical writings. Yet it goes
right to the centre of our human need today!

Our relationships with each other are easily damaged
and spoilt, because of our own wrong actions and selfish
behaviour, which so often we cannot even see. But beyond
these relationships, there is another deeper relationship
which has been damaged. It is this - that God - the maker
of the whole world - is a loving person, who desperately
wants a relationship with you! It may be unbelievable, but
it is true. God is not a power, a force, a feeling, or a distant
angry ruler - He is a person, who wants to be a 'friend who
stays closer than a brother'. He is the ultimate Family, the
real Lover, the special Friend. What is more, He can give us
a new power inside, to handle life, relationships and problems..

Courtesy : Online counselling

No comments: